Good morning.
Its been a rough few days. I don't see that changing for a few more weeks. It'll be a while before I can close my eyes and not see Sawyer meowing or standing someplace in the house. I won't confuse noises for him at night. And this pain that seems to well up at the most inopportune times will subside, eventually fading away.
But right now, I can't stop blaming myself for what happened. Denna has been steadfast: "Its not your fault. There's nothing we could have done. We didn't know." And I know this to be a 100% true fact. We didn't know. But when I'm crying and missing my kitty so viciously as I have missed him, I can't see that. All I want to do is apologize to him and tell him I love him and let him know that one day we'll be together again.
And in my pain, things around me have come into glaring relief.
My wife and my son and the rest of our pets are still needing me to be there for them. That's who I live for. For my clan. My wife, son, dogs, rabbit, my parents, my brother and my friends. I would give up my talents and dreams and wants in this life to be able to return Sawyer to us. But that's not how it works and he certainly wouldn't want me to change. He would want me like I am. Always.
So, I've told my wife: we dedicate ourselves and this year, to Sawyer. We will dedicate ourselves to living the life we are meant to live. No more laying about. No more waiting for things to happen to us. We're going to affect change in our lives and make them better.
I think about Sawyer almost every minute of my day since he's been gone. And when I start to fade back to that morning, to see him slipping away from us, I quickly change the image to him purring and being loving and being, well, Sawyer. And that's when I realize that we've got to stop doing what we have to do and start doing what we're meant to do.
"And I just can't keep living this way
  So starting today I'm breaking outta these chains" - Eminem, 'Not Afraid'

Right now, the hardest things about being without Sawyer are the things that we so closely associate with him. All those little tasks that he would involve himself in or that we'd seek him our for. Like going into the kitchen. No matter where you were in the house, if you were going into the kitchen, you were sure to trip over him on the way. He'd RUN to get in front of you. Then he'd meow when you got to the kitchen. He knew that's where his bowl was. So he wanted food, but there was always food in his bowl. Anytime he heard a water faucet on, he'd RUN to find it and then meow till he got a taste.
Walking through the front door has been the hardest. Yesterday, after getting home, I walked into the bedroom and Denna was quietly making friendship bracelets for Thomas' Thursday craft fair. Her expression was sullen and she worked without looking at me. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. I asked again and again and again until she told me. And then, part of me wished I hadn't asked. She said, "When Thomas and I got home and walked through the front door, he said, 'Where's my pretty kitty...'" With that, she began to cry. And so did I. I cried for quite some time, walking myself from room to room trying to contain the tears and the pain. I wanted to just choke it down, like I know how to do, but there was no silencing it. The tears were gonna come whether I liked it or not. And frankly, after the last few hours of holding it all in, I was glad to feel the pain. Its been a pain, however, that strikes me to the core. My wails and tears feel like they're never going to end. And all I can say is, "I'm sorry" or "I love you".
But everyday the pain is a little less. And I remember more of the great times we had than any of the few bad times. I have so many pictures of him being a goofy, loony, one-eyed cat. Pictures of him with Denna. Pictures of him with Thomas and me. We have so many great memories. And I think back to when we lost our other kitten, the very young Marion. Marion never got to do or see the things Sawyer did. Sawyer even came with my brother-in-law, Tony, to pick us up at the airport when we got back from Vegas. For a four month old kitten, Sawyer got to see a lot of the world. He knew we loved him and he loved us right back.
So, for the rest of this year, the Cordero Clan has a plan: to live life as well as we can for those we've lost. For Bun Bun. For Marion. For our sweet boy, Sawyer. And most of all, for ourselves.



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